October Paper

___

                 In this context, it might be pertinent to mention the following quotes :

                 There is a melancholy that only affects noble souls.

-?

(I guess because the world in which they find themselves is a very imperfect one)

                  Sometimes, if the world doesn’t drive you mad, you were not sane to begin with.

-an Arabic saying

                  In an episode of the podcast ‘Joe Rogan Experience’ (YouTube), he had said words to the effect that intelligent people are more likely to go through depression sometime or the other in their lives.

                   Depression is a natural response to an unnatural environment.

-Johann Hari?

(-or quoted in the comments section of a YouTube video)

(Alluding to the paucity of the human and the natural touch, in urban life today).

[Note : Of course it is not the only response possible. In this sentence depression need not mean the clinical diagnosis or the technical term in Psychology; it may mean a feeling of ‘blues’ or some thoughts acting against mental well-being].

                    Before diagnosing yourself as depressed, please verify that everyone around you is not of an odious character.

(The last term substituted for propriety).

___

                     Someone with idealism or imagination in them, would – on occasions – feel the difference between her/his concept of the right and what she/he sees in her/his real-world surroundings.

                     The point is, to not let that distress oneself. Not to think about it at all, unless it be to change it.

Interestingly, the above kind of persons are also the ones who are often truly happy. Perhaps more than- or unlike- the persons to whom only ‘net worth’, power and hedonistic pleasures really matter.

                     It’s just that in many cases, the real world environs tend to impinge upon their consciousness.

Certainly, good-natured, gentle, cultured or principled persons would have more adversities – if only at a psychological level –  thrown at them, in life. Dear reader, imagine how unjust it is to discriminate against such persons, rather than appreciating their good qualities, showing solidarity, and wishing for a better world.

___

[Clarification : Let no one think that a dour or sullen disposition is by itself, a proof of any positive quality in the person.

Though persons having it, may be genuinely ‘misguided’ or going through issues, and deserving of our support].

___

B58

A person should always try to be-, try consciously and reasonably to be bright, happy, optimistic, smiling and laughing. (As appropriate). The belief in being happy, and the attempt to be happy, and not indulging ever the slightest in self-pity or gloomy or despondent thoughts. Feeling melancholy once in a while in life, may be natural; but one should never indulge it or give in to it. 

One should be indifferent to negative and unproductive thoughts.

One should just continue life in a positive way.

___

Especially when with his/her family-members, including spouse, a person should push aside any stress or vague ‘blues’ or personal issues he/she may be having. He/she should be his/her best self, for the sake of his/her near and dear ones, and for one’s own sake.

                  Be in good spirits, cheerful.

                   (-Even if your friends or your friend/acquaintance who may one day become your spouse is right-minded and would not discriminate against you for your sombre mood).

___

B59

A young woman should not choose as spouse a man she perceives to be ‘lesser’ (relative to herself).

-In appearance, intelligence, personality or culture.

– Because she thinks that in such a case, he would always treasure her and treat her in a special way (because ‘he knows she is more than he deserves’). –He would give her more attention than what other men, with better qualities, would. This is a self-serving and self-centred conduct. In many cases, it is done because it stokes the ego of the young woman.

                    Also – with respect and gentleness – if a woman herself does not happen to have true culture in her, and a commitment to an elevated/idealistic way of life, a conscious principle, then it is difficult and in a way pointless for her to cultivate and maintain a relationship with a cultured and emotionally and morally good person.

                    May be she genuinely can’t relate to such a man, can’t ‘understand the language’..so to speak. And she does not understand the need to try.

                    But this should change.

___

[Although – speaking with all respect – even in such cases, the choice of the young women is mostly a man who is sufficiently worldly-wise/‘clever’ and has a large enough income. This is not an incrimination, but an attempt to make a person aware of certain erroneous or wrong choices or the want of the right thinking].

One should remember the principle – recognize, love and reward good qualities. –Not just anyone who seems to ‘value’ you.

According to the observations of this author, the kind of conduct described in this section is common.

___

B60

                   With all respect: Young women should remember that a young man who has some good qualities like learning or a healthy interest in it, culture or an interest in it, innocence (not the same as ignorance), satisfactory morality, sincerity in studies and profession, -would also have a sense of ‘just’ and ‘unjust’; incongruous and appropriate; merits/worth and ‘the want of it’. He would have a sense of self respect, and in a sense, ‘a sense of his own worth’ (which does not clash at all with his respecting and empathizing with others, his humility and heartfelt politeness. It is a simple matter of intelligence).

She should not expect him to fawn upon or give great importance (unrelated to the qualities in the particular young lady) to her. That should not be the mentality of any person, whether man or woman).

Such a man would not ‘pursue’ her tenaciously, approach her repeatedly (as proof of his loyalty and intensity of commitment) despite her rebuffs or offensive/un-civil disregard, refusal to seriously think upon it or ‘find out more’.

                   There is a proper, responsible and dignified way of declining the ‘proposal’ of- or ‘expression of interest’ from a gentleman.

Also, a first approach, and a subsequent reminder or ‘repeat expression’ from a young gentleman may elicit a ‘No’ (like ‘That is nice of you, but I cannot think in such terms’ OR ‘Your interest in/good estimation of me is appreciable, but for certain personal reasons, I cannot go ahead’). But then it should not happen like another young man makes 3 or 5 approaches, just sticks to it and makes an intensive show of niceness and ‘love’, and the lady eventually consents. –kind of eases into the arrangement. Such a young lady – with all respect, and this is not meant in a prurient way – is almost certainly not thinking of principles or good thoughts or good qualities, in this matter.

                   In fact, in most cases, sticking to ‘pursuing’ a particular young woman, despite two or more unfavourable responses, possibly signifies some ‘base’ or wrong quality in the young man concerned. –(Said with all respect and goodwill for the man). It should not be counted as a positive indicator by women.

However, two approaches (to a given person), made over an appropriate interval of time, seems alright, possibly desirable. In some cases (rarely I guess), more than two may be alright.

___

B61

A woman should not marry a man of clever and worldly/shrewd mindset, or one of slick character, or a ‘tough-acting’, loud-mouth, brash character, or a man of ‘base masculine’ personality, thinking that life as the wife of such a man would be easier. (Which it probably would).

__

B72

Some persons – as a happy fact – naturally have the right mentality, the good disposition regarding choosing a spouse.  So such women choose the right kind of men. But – with all respect and love, with only good intentions – let it be said, that a very large section of women do not. Let it be humbly stated : the only assured way, the only truly effective way of ensuring that a young woman chooses the right spouse is – education (this is ‘true education’, having little or nothing to do with schooling)(it includes cultivation/development of culture)(of course self-education or realization is the best. But if for some reason, it does not occur –which is not necessarily to the discredit of the person concerned -then some ‘suggestions’ from the ‘environment’ of the person, presentation of right and good ideas, exhortation is also perfectly alright and desirable).

Of course, the same applies for young men.

___

The above has to start from childhood. And prominently, from teenage. The parents can’t wake up one day when their daughter or son is 19 or 22 and decide now they are going to try and inculcate the relevant good qualities in their ward. It should be obvious that in most cases, the cause is by then a lost cause. Or would be unmanageably difficult.

                                           The reader may refer to the Paper Child Development for substantive ideas on good upbringing and education of children. They have been framed to the best of the (limited) knowledge and understanding of the author.

___

Similarly, sympathizing with a person, for some reason, is a humane and good thing, but that by itself, probably should not be a criterion in choosing one’s spouse. One should continue to be friends with him/her, and help.

___

E1

On how to make oneself more eligible, -a better person to marry –

One should not think too much about one’s appearance, or the impression he/she would be creating with this sentence or that, with this dress and body language or that.

Rather, one should think : I am going to think and do the right thing, the good thing.

That is it.

The others may then understand you, come round to your right way (as they should) or not. If they are of the mentality that they do not, then may be you are not going to have a successful married life with them anyway.

Important: Many a times, you can and you should explain to the candidate or his/her family why you have an uncommon view or conduct, related to something. Say it in an unpretentious, plain way; but also in an ‘open’ way. That is, you are not this close-minded ideologue. What you have is convictions. Say it; don’t keep quiet and assume they would understand; or lose out on a good candidate and then feel aggrieved about ‘the society’ or fate.

Though in some cases, one needs to combine one’s ideal mentality with some practical methods too, for an ultimate good goal. (By yourself you would have always done the ideal thing, but it is your environment that is obliging you to adopt some practical method).

The right kind of pragmatism is an instrument in serving the ideal dream.

However, in what cases and in what proportion such practical ideas should be applied, is perhaps a ‘judgment call’. At present, this author does not have enough time to think and consult on it. May be sometime else. And anyway, the person concerned should take responsibility and try to find out himself/herself.

___

E2

If a young man or woman is cultured and principled,

If he/she is well-read and has worthy ‘hobbies’, engagements,

If he/she has a high goal and is working hard to achieve it, then –

He/she would gather confidence, and also would be attractive to other young people.

Being eligible or desirable (in a good sense), is something that is not so much ‘achieved by deliberate efforts’, but is a ‘by-product’ or sign of what a person fundamentally is. His/her actual beliefs and way of life.

Being genuine and being one’s true self is essential. But for your own sake, for your parents’ sake and for the sake of the principle itself, one should be a better person. –Not for the sake of ‘getting a fine/good-looking spouse’.

In one American internet video, I heard the lines –“Being yourself does not imply you should retain your present flaws. Rather, you should be the best version of yourself, the best that you can be.”

___

B64

You should marry the right person.. even if then you would have to live in separate cities. -Due to respective career reasons. Even if that is likely to happen for most of your working life, and the children would grow up with only one parent, most of the times.

(Of course, either of you should keep trying for a posting in the same city or a job in another company in the same city. The current employers should go out of their way to accommodate that).

                                That is incomparably better than marrying a person of less qualities or a less good kind of a person. –Though it is less than ideal for the children (growing up with one parent), and may be some special steps/actions should be taken to make it better for the children.

                                You must marry a good human being. Not a city or a job or an income.

B65

                                It is a big mistake to think that ‘all men (or all women) are more or less the same (so I may marry whomever). The one guaranteed thing in my life is or should be my income, nice job, continuing to live in my home city or an exciting big city’.

In this context : Not only should we have the mindset to choose the right candidate, we should also be a right candidate for someone to choose. The two are part of the same mentality.

                                 As we know, for a given qualification, it is generally easier to get an acceptable job in a big city rather than in a small one. So after marriage, a small city man or woman would probably find a job in the large city of his/her spouse, but not vice versa.

Still, if a person happens to be the resident of a small city and is himself/herself a good person, then a large city resident should marry the small city candidate all the same. Although they may not get to live under the same roof all the time.

                 [ Should a woman give greater priority to her job, making her professional interest the ‘constant’, -the uncompromisable requirement, and adjust with the nature or quality of the husband?

                 Or should she accord greater priority to marriage with a good person, or a better person, having her children with such a person, and adjust with her professional interests?

                This Paper thinks that the principle that is right here is that one should consider as far more important, -important at a different level , the necessity/desirability of marrying a good, cultured and honourable person than a large income for oneself. (–Even at the cost of running the risk of feeling a bit insecure in one’s married life.  This ‘cost’ would not need to be borne anyway, because a good-hearted, gentlemanly person would –by definition – never make his wife feel ‘the lesser’ or offended. Now if still the wife has an insecurity, then unfortunately it is her mistake; -unnecessary. She should rather have/awaken her good sense. -be sensible)). If the husband is gentlemanly that is ].

___

B66

One should not forego marriage to a gentleman and a man of qualities, only because he lives in a ‘far-off’ city. -Thinking that marrying a man from your own city would be the practical thing to do. This is massively wrong. I cannot understand this mentality. –And in this age of transport and communication, too.

___

B57

If a man or woman is a bit ‘lost in his/her own world’, for that reason, he should not be discriminated against as a matrimonial candidate.

At the same time, the young man or woman in question should not be ‘lost in his/her own world’ in the company of persons who are potential life partners. Or generally, in the company of youth of his/her own age group. (–at least most of the times). He/she should be ‘present’, in good spirits, attentive and communicative. In a natural and good way.

___

B62

Unfortunately, as real world observations show, respectfully speaking, many women derive a kind of ‘comfort’ or ‘assurance’ or ‘satisfaction’ from pairing up with a person who is her ‘compliment’..i.e. ‘masculine’ as opposed to her ‘feminine’. Rugged or ‘rough’ as opposed to her delicate or refined.

-In terms of appearance and personality.

This mentality of – what is opposite to or unlike me, having an appeal for me, is a wrong and avoidable mentality.

___

B63

Corresponding mentalities –similar to the ones stated above – in men should also be watched out for. He should not choose a lady for the reason that she has a feminine or sweet seeming, frequently smiling, outgoing manners and personality, over ladies who are perhaps a little ‘serious’, reserved or thoughtful. Or awkward, diffident.

___

                                     A person (gentleman or lady) should monitor or check himself/herself from time to time, on relevant occasions, to ensure that in prospecting for a spouse, he/she is not making appearance a criterion or factor in his/her decision or actions.

                                     -Whether it be facial features, or certain facial expressions, smile.

[Though some facial expressions, the look in a person’s eyes, may indicate kindness or goodness. -which are of course truly desirable qualities. It is left to the reader to verify, be sure about whether certain ‘appearances’ in a person actually are manifestations of truly good qualities in his/her mind. For now, this author has nothing to say on this.

                                         However, to ascertain the presence of such qualities, there are other, probably more reliable indicators. -Conduct, ‘gestures’ and manners (towards others, not only toward the ‘candidate’ himself/herself), references (citing objective reasons) from reliable persons, antecedents etc. are such indicators]. [Though gestures and manners (indicating graciousness or amicableness) may quite possibly be affected i.e. faked for the duration of a meet].

(Contd.) ‘Why am I thinking about a certain lady the way I am? Is it solely or mostly because of her appearance? Is it dependent on the appearance? Should I think about some other persons in my circle of friends or familiar faces? –based on good qualities which they may have? Shouldn’t I try to find out more about all such persons (-with whom I am technically compatible)?

Many women give importance to appearance in a man, but I guess men do the corresponding much more. Often in a circle of friends or acquaintances, they genuinely do not notice a lady of ‘plain’ or ‘inconspicuous’ appearance and manners. It genuinely does not occur to them (and to some others, it may occur, but they ignore the thought) to consider such a person as a potential spouse. -By thinking about, trying to find out whether she has the true positive qualities in her, pertinent to matrimony.

                                         -Although he may have no conscious callousness toward her; he may even help her out as needed.

                                         Anyway, one should rectify this kind of a psyche, or nurture the right mentality in himself.

PRACTICAL NOTE : Young men should be careful. They should think in a balanced way. Meaning, just because a young woman has a ‘plain appearance’, doesn’t mean that her mindset would be reasonable, sympathetic, moral or simple.

Conversely, a beautiful woman may be genuinely having the above good qualities.

It is not an article of faith to avoid or be especially sceptical of good-looking persons (from the conventional point of view), as potential spouse.

___

B64

A woman must marry as innocent a person as possible.

-No matter how practically disadvantageous it may be.   

The corresponding applies for men.

___

A2c

A person should not marry a candidate who does not have honesty (-in a serious way).

[ Note : Coming to office late by 10-15 minutes routinely, but avoidably, is generally not serious unethical conduct ].

OR

A2d

-A person who has rudeness or callousness in him.

(Though a man would not be rude or callous to the candidate lady. –at least not before marriage).

B67

A woman should marry a boring (-if necessary), but gentlemanly person.

-Rather than a flashy, ‘stylish’ or ‘smart’ kind of a person . -But who does not have true culture in him.

Unfortunately such qualities as mentioned in this section have been common in persons in humankind. One should be alert about them. So that one is able to successfully spot them. -Including the parents.

___

B68

                                       She must not consider it as an unfavorable factor, if the man happens to have an income less than her own.

But as stated before, one should keep in mind that the difference in intelligence should not be too great.

___

B69

This is a very important thing: As a matter of fact, if a woman or man is choosing the wrong spouse, then he/she is –in effect – letting down his/her society and the circle of good people, weakening them. It is an appeal : you should stand up and do the right thing. No matter how boring or ‘exacting’ it may seem initially.

                                     One should have allegiance and solidarity toward his/her ‘moral and cultured, gentry class group’ and also – generally – toward his/her ‘society’.

Because these have some good and unique qualities in them, whose perpetuation and protection are ESSENTIAL.

___

This may seem repetitive; and I wish this Paper weren’t a tiresome read, and I have tried for that. Still, the contents are of the utmost importance, so I wish a reader would be understanding of that.

B70

To sum up, what kind of a man or woman should one marry? Well, the kind of a person with whom the most important, the one essential purpose of a marriage would be best served.

Someone who –among this particular person’s all realistic/available options – has the best character.

A person with whom having children with good qualities, and giving them a good upbringing, has the highest probability, among all the available or likely options.

An indicator of that is to imagine the person one is considering (the ‘candidate’), -bringing up the children (their children together) by himself/herself, as a single parent. How good and caring an upbringing would he/she be able to provide in that case?

Other considerations come latter and far after.

___

B71

If the mentality of both the spouses in a marriage is right, then all the important objectives of a marriage can and will be achieved easily, effortlessly.

The marriage would be satisfactory.

___

B73

A ‘Self affected marriage’ (commonly called ‘love marriage’)

An Arranged marriage, and

A Self-arranged marriage (kind of intermediate, when the young man and/or woman looks up for the right match on a matrimonial website/newspaper column/agency etc., himself/herself).

-Are all good and worthy of approval, if the two persons involved are of the right mentality and character. And also, if that particular marriage fulfills, satisfies the conditions and principles stated in Section B29.

___

B74

                    The age difference between the potential spouses does not matter much. –Provided that the particular envisioned marriage would be able to fulfill the essential requirements of a marriage (primarily ‘starting a family’, and mentally and physically healthy children), with reasonable certainty.

                     For certain reasons, it is desirable that the age difference be not more than 10 years. –though in exceptional cases, it can be a little more.

                     Due to practical reasons, it is desirable that the age difference be in the way of the husband being older than the wife, generally. –Though if the wife is up to 3-5 years older than the husband, probably it should not be a problem.

___

E3

While prospecting (i.e. searching for a spouse) how should a person himself/herself be :

(Not necessarily in order)

1. Maintain good health and physical fitness.

The reader would find practically useful material on this in the page ‘Education – Health’, e.g. BMI, other concepts.

2. One should walk upright, shoulders squared (not drooping); maintain good posture.

Be a gentleman / lady. (-And not merely ‘act like it’ for expediency).

Should be civil (that goes with being gentlemanly). Yet should be upright and firm in virtue. – not accepting or going along with anything seriously wrong or unfair (remember the precept in Section E1:  In some cases, if necessary for a greater or ultimate good goal, one has to combine one’s idealism with pragmatism; so in minor matters, one may co-operate with or accept something that is not right (but don’t say that is “alright / fine”. One could say – ‘‘I would accept that, though may be there are some issues with that/  -though I do not find myself agreeing with it’).

Be genuine. Be yourself.

3. -Be clean. Hygienic. Reasonably neat.

4. One should try to be of a pleasant disposition. -Reasonably good mood.

One should have positive and good thoughts, that would help.

Answer questions openly, honestly. Ask questions a lot (even if you are a man) be carefree and happy ‘for your spouse and for the candidate’. Even if you have genuine causes for worry currently. Remember that a truly good life partner is beyond petty or day to day worries and nagging thoughts.

Should not be stressed, sombre or grim.

And not depressed or neurotic either.

Seek professional help, talk to family-members and friends if necessary.

Anyway a right-minded and dutiful person cannot be depressed or dysfunctional, even though he may have some negative thoughts flitting across his mind now and then, or external challenges.

Should not be eccentric, at least not significantly.

(May be you can afford to be eccentric after age 50 or 60 🙂 ).

___

E4

                 If a seemingly good match or prospect is in the offing, try to make it work. In arranged match as well as exploring, prospecting by oneself.

                  Always keep in mind when and how you must be ‘practical’. Nowadays it is especially important. Also keep in mind the time-factor, the need for not wasting time or dallying. Acting with earnestness or urgency in some cases.

-That of course doesn’t mean one may not do sufficient prospecting, in matrimony. Indeed as a general rule in match-making one should always err on the side of a little more prospecting and verifying, than a little less. Whether in an arranged match (as common in India still) or a ‘self-made match’.

As a general rule, one should not settle for what seems to be a little dissatisfactory – not from the appearance or income and assets or self-entertainment/excitement point of view – but from the principles and good requirements of marriage point of view.

I came across a sentence on quora.com, which generally and cautiously speaking, seems correct to me : ‘Whenever you see one red flag (in a candidate or ‘indirectly’ from the parents etc.), exit (i.e. don’t take the risk).

Of course, the responsibility for all life decisions rests only on the reader, not on this author. I do not have sufficient time or energy to comprehensively think through all the ideas in these papers. Only the essential and ‘broad principles’ have been given a lot of thought. This author means well.

___

To a lady : It is not only the ‘candidate gentleman’ or their relatives’ interest or responsibility to find a good spouse and materialize the relationship. -Through ‘research’, questions and verifications and a solid decision-making process. -Or even that of your parents. It is yours. Of course your parents’ too.

This author deeply and lovingly believes in the traditional concept of a young lady being simple, innocent, ‘reserved’ (though well-mannered) and ‘quiet’ in matters of her match-making. (Though the same young lady may graciously and spontaneously do everything to help a person in need. –so she’s not disinterested or uninvolved/uncaring about her surrounding human beings. She has a large heart, compassion).

                    But for some critical practical reasons, ladies too should be deeply, completely involved and active in their match-making process. (-Speaking about arranged matches here).

___

                     Other points may be added in this section in the future.

___

B72

To parents : a parent should work, sincerely, with his/her all – to make his/her daughter or to contribute to the development of his/her daughter (or son) as a cultured person. i.e. Truly cultured. Being a good human being. With sensitivity, decency. Being benign to others. -And helping.

                      -Having high thoughts. Noble spirit.

This is the most important and an essential work /task of a parent’s life.

Parents and the society should not expect to have young women and men who make good choices of spouse, and do their duty to perpetuate their society, -who practice their culture, the ethos, values and sensitivities of their family and society, .. unless the former work –as one of the most important priorities in their lives – to ensure that self-sufficient and unshakable good culture is developed in the children.

[ The other important priority in their life is to materially provide for and protect their family and society ].

To young people : A youth is completely responsible himself/herself for the cultivation of the right qualities and maintaining the right conduct.