Continued from Marriage (A)
B22
Even two generations ago, the divorce rates were much less; a much larger percentage of marriages were functional (i.e. there were children and life-long companionship and support).
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B23
As stated in Section A9 Para 4, you may not get a person who would be your ideal mate. -Who would understand you and choose you despite your ‘worldly shortcomings’.
So you have to maintain in yourself those qualities as well, which make you a satisfactory prospective spouse to ‘the general or typical young woman or man’ in your society.
Some of it may seem like an ‘effort’ in the beginning, but mostly it gets much easier with time, and eventually becomes almost effortless or unconscious.
At the same time, if you are doing it with the right mentality, then you do not lose your ‘purely good qualities’ either.
The qualities that make you ‘eligible’ in the conventional or ordinary sense, include :
Having a satisfactory career (for men), right bearing/postures (e.g. walking and standing straight, squared shoulders; not slouching etc.), maintaining an acceptable or presentable appearance (in presence of the relevant people) (so apply facewash/soap to face almost daily 🙂 ); hair should not be unkempt, be clean shaven unless a beard/moustache really suits you (almost all persons look much better without it); manner of speaking; the choice and condition of the attire should be satisfactory etc.
-i.e. clean clothes, in reasonably well-pressed condition. Not of a ‘strange’ design/messages or appearance. Not too loud.
One’s lifestyle should be reasonably ‘regular’, and not eccentric or too ‘self-indulgent’.
The right kind of personality includes being interested in and attentive to-, engaging with – and that sincerely –other people, even if their company to him/her doesn’t seem ideally desirable/satisfactory.
Although, for 30% to 50% of the times, you should talk to the other person about topics that interest you. If they are good topics, then that is fair and desirable. And also, if you are always only ‘accommodating’, compromising on what you genuinely like, then you wouldn’t be enjoyable company to the other person; plus there may be problems in married life later. It also suggests to the other person to be reasonable and balanced himself/herself.
Your interactions and experiences (with a ‘candidate’ or his/her family members) may not be perfect. But they have to be sincere, open and humble. –Though scrupulously never condoning or co-operating with anything unprincipled or crass or improper.
[Humility does not mean self-deprecation or hiding one’s special qualities. It means being simple-minded, unpretentious, with no snobbery or superciliousness. -With respect for another human individual].
Remember- They may not have had the same cultural and intellectual environment and inputs that you have had. And that may not be to their discredit in all cases, either.
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B13
So as stated above, many of the persons who have idealism or dreams or simplicity in them, do not accord the right priority and importance to the right kind of a marriage for themselves.
Another reason for this may be that these persons – even though they are essentially good-hearted, well-intentioned and culturally and emotionally ‘rich’ – do not happen to have the right awareness regarding starting a family, -regarding marriage.
This author has seen many persons like this.
If they had known –through reading or inculcation – and realised the subjective, moral reasons behind the necessity of marriage, then they would have themselves taken the initiative for it.
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Actually, this is one of the ‘critical’, defining agendas in a person’s life : To maintain his/her ideal mindset (-and therefore conduct), while at the same time be practically successful in life.
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B24
Anyway, so because of this very unfortunate and sad want of a certain right awareness/mentality, a certain ‘good sense’, in such persons, they end up having no children in their lives.
This is one of the worst, most undesirable phenomena in human affairs. If anything is heartbreaking, then this is.
-When persons of the right or better than average character and nature, end life with no children.
OR
Get married to a person of the wrong kind of a character or ‘non-compatible’ ‘culture’.
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What constitutes having the right character and nature has been dealt with in Section A2 of this paper and in Paper 5.
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B25
Not only with no children, but even with a lesser natality (or less no. of children per couple) for the above kind of people, compared to other groups living in the same geographical region, the following damaging thing happens –
With the reduction in their proportion in the population of a country or province, their importance in elections also decreases. Even their well-deserved, legitimate interests/hits are ignored or trampled upon.
This is not mere theory or a future possibility. This has happened to a large and very harmful degree in India, the West etc. and the phenomenon is continuing, aggravating.
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B26
When gentry class people, and those with intelligence, talents and intellect, and reasonable morality, thrive, then the larger populace within which they live is also benefitted.
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B27
To continue,
Everything should be done, the supreme efforts should be made to ensure that not one person who is –
On the whole of a good moral character, a good-hearted person
OR
Of a ‘reasonable’ or ‘moderate’ moral character, but having one or more of the below-mentioned qualities :
Fair intelligence
AND/OR
Intellectual and cultural qualities/potential
AND/OR
University-level schooling, and is a white collar or professional class worker
-Goes without having children.
The motto in this matter should be : Never again. Not one case.
In fact most of them should have multiple children. –and try their best to ensure a good upbringing for them.
[Note : The persons who have the first quality (as essential) and hopefully one or more of the other three attributes mentioned above, in this Section, are called ‘Category Blue’ in these Papers].
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B28
As has been explained above, this whole thing is both out of practical necessity and for idealistic reasons.
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B29
Also, such persons should marry persons of their own kind of ‘culture’ and society. This way, the good features of their culture and society would be preserved. Going against this principle would cause very serious losses to the society concerned, the ‘family lineage’, but at the same time would not benefit anyone either; it would serve no good purpose.
(Every culture and society has its own good features, and respectfully speaking, members of other, ‘non-related’ cultures and societies should preserve the good features of their own).
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B30
This effort should be made by the individuals themselves, of course (it is their responsibility and moral duty); but also by all other persons associated with them. Parents, other family members, friends and peers, teachers, colleagues et al.
-As a background, general imparting of values.
There should be the environment and the education that instills in the youth of the gentry class this idea, such that it becomes a part of their background or basic consciousness. (And therefore they do the needful, naturally. Without requiring any exhortation or persuasion or ‘non-cooperation’ incentive/disincentive kind of intervention).
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Note: Being of the gentry class is independent of ethnicity. Generally for every ethnic community, there is a sub-group of gentry class people within that community.
All members of the community are (unfortunately) not of the gentry class.
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B31
CONCEPT OF A GENTRY CLASS PERSON
A gentry person has gentlemanliness or lady-like nature, preferably a college-level education, a white collar/technical/knowledge-based or intellectual or artistic profession.(i.e. he/she is a Category Blue person, as stated in Section B27) .
(And in reality too, gentry class persons almost always do have meaningful college level education. Rarely, some persons are truly of gentry character, still they do not have college education. This used to happen much more in the past).
Always, two gentry class persons of two different communities relate better to and wish for the company of each other rather than the non-gentry persons of their own respective ethnic groups.
Being of gentry character is independent of financial condition.
Being gentlemanly includes being completely honest.
He/she always uses ‘proper’ language (expletives, swearing etc. are unimaginable), makes it a point not to disturb or cause inconvenience to others. Doesn’t speak loudly (except sometimes in a close family circle, at home) or cause noise. –Has decency in him/her.
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B32
A person of gentry character should marry only another person of gentry character.
Similarly, a white-collar worker, professional class, highly schooled person should marry only another such person or a person of such a family. Or what is equally satisfactory– a true intellectual or artist.
Above all, a moral and/or cultured person should marry only another moral or cultured person. A good-natured and sensitive person should marry only a person of the same kind.
The above things should be verified beyond doubt, before the marriage.
A marriage should not be made with say, a cheap or flashy or coarse or at core callous and non-good-natured character person.
However if a person with the above character is not available despite best efforts and a long time elapsed, then, except ‘reasonable morality’ i.e. having a minimum acceptable level of honesty, civility and gentlemanliness, and decency, the other qualities may be compromised with, as practically necessary.
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B33
The phenomenon of a person who is herself/himself a ‘right kind of person’ marrying a person who is (on the whole) of a wrong kind of character – happens often, and is done by both young women and young men.
The reasons may be :
A want of the right awareness/ conscious principle,
A want of sufficient ‘culture’ (though she/he may be fundamentally good-natured, sensitive, well-meaning),
Wrong-headedness,
Giving in to an urge to marry an aesthetic-looking, or practical and ‘tough’ (so the life of his spouse becomes easy), moneyed, ‘funny’, ‘smart’ or ‘stylish’ person.
Choosing someone because of his vigorous/strong personality or her vivacious, ‘bright’, ‘cheerful’ personality.
In some cases, respectfully speaking, it may be because the ‘candidate’ is perceived as being in possession of some ‘sensuous’ qualities, and this factor influences the decision. Someone of organic or visceral appeal.It may apply for either gender.
-All wrong reasons for marrying a person.
Or simply a mistaken assessment of the other person.
ONE MUST BE CAUTIOUS OF AND GUARD AGAINST THE ABOVE PITFALLS OR RISK FACTORS.
[Note : Of course it is a nice quality and desirable that a person often be bright, cheerful, funny. It is just that these should not be a criterion in choosing a spouse (except humour / wit as an indicator of intelligence; and there are other obvious indicators of intelligence). The topmost criterion is the candidate being good-hearted or good-natured; and satisfying that, intelligence].
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B34
A matrimonial website or app and ‘offices’ for like-minded people with the same way of life would help greatly in finding the right kind of matches as described above.
I believe the organisation ISKCON has something similar i.e. a matrimonial service or agency/website which helps people of the same values and way of life to connect, and get to know more about each other.
Of course, persons who would believe in and practise the above concept, should also look for matches from outside of the people registered on that website, if they are the right kind of a match.
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B35
Along with the principle in Section B32, the following principle must also be satisfied:
There are many social groups or ethnic groups in India and the world.
There are certain ethnic groups in whose case it is highly desirable, indeed essential, that they marry only among themselves and their closely related groups.
This is in order to maintain their society, culture, their way of life, their ways of thinking and feeling. Their heritage.
In a sense, their personalities – the good features therein.
Their collective memories, good emotions and relationships.
Their intelligence and intellect.
~
Good families, a good social circle and ‘family culture’; and a ‘high’ culture/mindset are among the most valuable things that can exist. And these are maintained by a few essential factors, one of which is : the right kind of matrimonial matches.
Otherwise, such societies would lose out tragically and so would humankind, if we think in terms of truly good or valuable qualities.
Let us remember: such losses are by nature IRREVERSIBLE.
~
If the family and the social circle cease to exist (functionally) or is truncated, so will be the quality of life of its individual member/s.
-Unless young adults and other persons of that society do not have the belief in family life and its associated aspects; and derive their enjoyment from materialistic and consumerist things. In which case, they do not know what they are missing out on. Cultivation of that sense is necessary.
Elders should not only themselves act as ideal, good family members, provide the right kind of environment and themselves maintain the right kind of way of life in the family sphere (e.g. family gatherings, spending sufficient time with one another, giving love, giving highest priority to family members, relate some rules to their children and maintain some discipline if necessary),
–but once in a while, in a natural way, they should tell their children why an ideal family life is a good thing, a desirable thing. It may not be ‘in a planned way’; just one or two sentences in a heartfelt or ‘straight’ way).
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B36
Therefore in such ethnic groups, guardians/elders should – with all seriousness and application; as one of the most important tasks of their life – cultivate in their younger generation an awareness and sense of moral duty to preserve and perpetuate their societies and the character/nature of their families.
This can happen only with proper knowledge of-, and genuine love for the good and precious qualities in the boy’s/girl’s heritage. An understanding –subjective understanding – of their value. And that they are ‘one’s own’ (apna).
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B37
Unfortunately, many members of the white-collar worker/professional class or highly schooled class do not have sufficient culture and emotional qualities in them. In many persons of this class, there are the opposite kind of qualities – callousness, indifference, meanness, ‘cleverness’, cheapness etc. Even want of honesty is common. (This is said with all respect and goodwill. –In the spirit of constructive criticism). So, along with the moral, the cultural and emotional development of children is also vital.
Materialistic mindset, thinking in terms of money, assets, gadgets and ‘gizmos’, restaurants, malls, multiplex etc. must be completely avoided/abjured.
If good culture is pre-existing in a person, then he would naturally, effortlessly, not respond to the appeal/ ‘cult’ of the above.
~
(Note: Restaurants, shopping malls, and cinemas, modern consumer items etc. are not wrong things in themselves. They may even be a desirable – though not indispensable – part of a person’s life, in small/limited amounts. And not as ‘important things’. This author has often enjoyed a nice stroll in a ‘mall’ with nice apparels, shops with ‘artisan’ items, an ice-cream parlour, a tastefully decored restaurant or café. All these are pleasant. If a nice restaurant or shop exists, with a reasonably right-character owner, then we should indeed patronize them, so that they thrive).
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B38
(Contd. from B35, sentence 3) –
For a given such ethnic group, all the marriages need not and should not occur within that ethnic group itself. Rather, about 5-20% of the marriages should occur with an ancestrally and culturally closely related group, for example that of a neighbouring state (for India) or nearby country (for Europe).
It is a scientific fact that this promotes better physical health and vigour in the next generation (collectively speaking; in terms of the gene pool, I guess). And possibly – directly or indirectly – some desirable mental qualities also. Within a given population, over a long period of time and many generations, some such marriages are necessary.
Otherwise practically, biologically, some harmful results may be there.
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B39
It should not be like, the children of such ‘mixed’ marriages have the culture and family psyche of neither of his/her parents, but rather a weak, diluted form of either or an unsatisfactory ‘mix’.
–Or a cosmopolitan, big city, culture-less mindset. No. they should preferably have only one culture, of one of the parents. Identify completely as belonging to-, and practice fully one culture, with desirably some knowledge of and love for the cultural background of his/her other parent.
So, for a marriage between a Gujrati and a Bengali person, the children should be completely, ‘100 percent’ Gujrati or ‘100 percent Bengali’,(not 50% Gujarati and 50% Bengali)
-with perhaps they being ‘10%’ the other(adding up to a ‘110%’ i.e. 100% Gujarati and 10% Bengali or vice versa) -as optional (because excess pressure should not be brought upon a child).
If only for practical purposes, or to follow in the line of a long-held, reasonable tradition, it is fine if the Culture of the children in such marriages is decided patrilinealy. –As a general rule. Though in special cases, the converse is fine too.
A child may pick up from or emulate the personal culture of either parent, to the extent that each personal culture has good features. -i.e. if his mother’s ‘personal culture’ has more good features, then of course he should practice or adopt/pick up more of that, compared to his father’s. Good things must be followed, made one’s own, irrespective of their origin. Indeed, the origin should be loved and appreciated too.
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B40
Of course, one has all respect, love and goodwill for every person. For humanity. In a way, everyone is everyone’s own (aapan, in Indian languages), in the world.
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B41
The most important outcome related to (-or criterion for assessing) the success of a marriage is the character/nature of its children.
And also whether the society of the gentry class man/woman is benefitted by or loses out by that particular marriage. Obviously, the gentry society or the moral/cultured ‘social group’, – ‘loses out’, when a person born in it or being a member of it, marries outside the group.
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B42
It is true that professional-class persons, persons with university level education, and persons who have civility (i.e. no record of violence or physical intimidation or verbal abuse of anyone in their lives) do not become perfect just by virtue of these qualities. They still may not have in them, honesty or decency/propriety or culture. But still it is essential that they not marry a person who has lesser qualities on the whole than them.
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B43
Itis especially important, ESSENTIAL that a gentry class woman not marry outside her Blue Category (please refer Section B27) and her society or a suitable, closely related one, because if she does, her potential contributions including her physical lineage, and her qualities are lost to the gentry society.
Needless to say, the moral responsibilities and duties of a man and a woman are equal. As are their rights. The above principle arises because of certain practical reasons.
Box-Of course it is desirable that every person in the world become a person of gentry nature. –Of such a mindset. That is extremely desirable.
It must be clearly understood : a given woman or man belonging to the gentry class within her/his ethnic group, in case that ethnic group is of the kind/nature mentioned in Section B35 , should ESSENTIALLY marry both within that ethnic group and also within the gentry class of that ethnic group or the gentry class of a suitable, closely related ethnic group.
-The last would increase her choices.
B44
There must be a section in the kind of matrimonial website/service mentioned in Section B34, which provides information on, if practicable-verifies/’vets’ and facilitates contact between members of such closely related societies, even if they live far away, not in adjacent states. That is better than marrying and starting a family with a person who is of a non-honest or crude or non-cultured, rude character, even if he/she be of the exactly same ethnic group.
Again, to avoid any misunderstanding:
This last sentence DOES NOT MEAN THAT the gentry character person of such an ethnic group would marry a person from any other ethnic group. No. But rather she/he should marry another gentry character person from a CLOSELY RELATED ethnic group.
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B45
Whereas a member of such an ethnic group as mentioned in Section B35, who is however himself/herself not a member of the gentry class, may marry outside the gentry class, but should still marry within that ethnic group. This is said with all love, respect and goodwill.
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B46
Obviously being a member of a particular ethnic community has easily visible, objective criteria. But although being a member of the gentry or moral or cultured class does have well-defined and equally valid criteria/characteristics, they may not be so easily detectable. The quality itself is subjective, but it does have some objective indicators.
It is practically quite possible and morally necessary to determine who belongs to the gentry/moral/cultured group.
Usually, the presence of such qualities in a given person is detectable fairly easily. It is the absence of these qualities or the presence of the opposite kind of qualities that is more difficult to confirm.
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If a gentry class man marries outside his group, then the same does not happen.
(-Obviously because –mostly, the identity, the self-identity and consciousness, the society and culture (not the ‘personal culture’, but the ‘group culture’) of the children from the marriage and that of the child’s lineage are determined patrilineally.
[ Note : We are not saying here that a patrilineal system is better than a matrilineal system or vice versa. What is being discussed is what the best thing to do is, within the framework that exists in almost all parts of the world. –and that framework is not ‘wrong’ or ‘unfair’ either].
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B47
‘Class’ in these papers, means socio-cultural class, and the category of a person determined by his moral status. It has nothing to do with financial condition. So a small income group-, a middle income group-, an upper middle income group-, and an extremely rich person, – may all belong to the same ‘class’.
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B48
Distinct societies and cultures are a good thing; one of the best and most valuable things in human heritage.
And all individuals and institutions should make efforts on a priority basis to protect and make flourish/advance their own society and culture. –and if applicable, certain other people’s.
The erosion of local and regional cultures, the cultures of individual countries, and their replacement by a common, uniform ‘big city’/’cosmopolitan’ or ‘global culture’ is a an extremely undesirable thing, a great loss for humankind.
A few cities, like say certain neighbourhoods, certain commercial, entertainment and shopping areas of New York or New Delhi or Mumbai or some modern University towns may be that way. That has a charm of its own. But it should not be the general condition.
[The socio-cultural aspect mentioned above is different from (though it could be affected by) economic or geo-political ‘unions’ or ‘federations’, about which no comments are being made here].
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B49
Persons of greater or above average intelligence should marry other persons of greater or above average intelligence.
(This is largely due to practical reasons. There would probably be involved some compatibility questions also).
In this way, that particular society and humankind wins. Everyone wins.
Though if the difference in intelligence is only a little or moderate, then more importance should be given to moral status and culture.
Needless to say, if a person under consideration for matrimony is of seriously immoral character, e.g. uses obscene language or consumes pornography currently or abuses others, is rude and not honourable/cad, or his/her dishonesty causes/may cause serious inconvenience to others, then a marriage with such a person is out of the question, irrespective of his/her intelligence.
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Of course we all have respect and love for one another; a feeling of ‘ownness’, and that is the more important thing.
[Naturally, we would want our loved ones to be more and more intelligent and that is for their own good. But the reason why we love them is completely unrelated to their intelligence. Our feelings for them, how happy we are to be with them, and what we do regarding them would remain unchanged by any apparent increase or decrease in ‘their intelligence’.
By the way, the functional intelligence of a person is considerably expansible].
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B50
The principle is that every young man and woman, and their parents should honour and ‘reward’ morality and culture in other persons.
Indifference to this consideration is one of the most serious wrong things that one can do in life. It should be unthinkable to go against this principle.
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B51
‘Starting a family’-
It is of course one of the most joyful and engaging things that a person or two persons can be involved in. (-i.e. from the time of the birth onwards).
There should be a natural desire in both spouses to start a family.
A happy anticipation (that at some point of time in the near future -).
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B52
Seen in another way, the purpose is additionally to bring into being a person, who would be a new human being, a new mind. She would have new talents, fresh perspectives on things, different- perhaps better – ways of doing things.
This very often has significant benefits for the parents, the larger family, society and humankind. (-Though parents should not do it for the ‘benefits’ of course).
The benefits of starting a family are primarily ‘non- material’, ‘non-practical’.
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B53
The role of having children in a marriage is such that –
A marriage which has produced a reasonably good child, an issue of reasonably good character and nature, is on the whole a ‘successful marriage’, even if otherwise the marriage –due to whatever reasons – has caused massive distress to one or both the spouses.
[Of course in the parents’ eyes, and also ideally, a person is always a good person. The character of a person becomes more defined and necessary to assess, as an adult. (Said with all respect and love for the person)].
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A Category Blue person (Section B27) who has had no children, has a life that is a failure. Irrespective of his/her other accomplishments, it is still on the whole, a failure. Of course if he/she has tried the best to start a family, yet somehow it didn’t work out, or he/she simply didn’t have the ‘right awareness’, the person is entitled to all love and empathy/solidarity of his/her near and dear ones.
But in today’s age of various Assisted Reproductive Techniques and changing relevant laws, some meaningful form of starting a family should be a certainty for almost all (probably more than 95%) persons.
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B54
Practically, one must ensure that his/her prospective spouse has no genetic/other condition that substantially predisposes to such a condition in their children or greatly reduces the chances of having a child.
IMPORTANT: The more late in her life a lady produces an ovum, the more are the chances of Down’s Syndrome and other such conditions in the baby. After age 35, the chances increase significantly. Also, the fertility of a lady decreases significantly from about Age 30 onwards. So a woman should have children sufficiently early; say before reaching Age 33 and preferably by Age 30.
Of course, a couple has to start trying for a child from at least 1 year earlier to the planned date of delivery i.e. -the birth.
She may continue with her occupation or ‘projects’ and persuasions in life, parallelly, to the extent it would be practicable. But she must understand that having a family is the goal.
The important thing. The desirable thing. One should be happy if that is achieved.
That should be the mentality. Subjectively. Emotionally.
The same applies for a man.
And indeed, many working women, some of them with post-graduation degrees etc., do have that mentality.
Nowadays, egg harvesting and preservation is an option in many countries. But still I guess it should not be done as a routine matter, e.g. as a pro-career decision by a lady, whether or not the husband acquiesces. It should be done only in exceptional cases.
Even ‘advanced paternal age, which roughly equates to older than 35’ may be ‘associated with’ an increased risk of ‘adverse birth outcomes’, genetic diseases, and certain mental disorders in the children. There are studies which suggest that.
Sources :
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4455614/
The corresponding risks for advanced maternal age are so well-established that no links have been provided.
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B55
Of course both parents have an equally important role and equal responsibility in the care and upbringing of a child. Though if one partner’s duty hours (in job) are longer or his/her work is more demanding AND that partner also has a greater earning, then it is only reasonable that quantitatively, the time he/she would give to childcare would be proportionately less.
There should be long, fully paid maternity leaves, and (may be to a lesser extent), paternity leaves.
The career prospects, promotion, other facilities/perks etc. of a new mother should not suffer at all. Other ideas like ‘flexible working hours’, half an hour less daily duration of duty etc. even after the maternity leave period is over, for the lady till her child is say 5 years old.
During recruitment, employers should not discriminate against a lady because she has or is likely in the near future to have children. There must be ways to check for such discrimination, and there should be adequate government regulations guarding against this kind of a thing.
This author does not have much idea about the necessity or potential implications of such a law, but perhaps there may be tax rebates for couples who have had two children or more. This is NOT to incentivize the having of children (because no such ‘incentives’ should be necessary in the first place); but rather to provide some financial cushion to persons who already have children. This kind of a system may not be that necessary in India or China yet, but in the West or Japan, it is perhaps necessary. One believes Germany does have such a law and child allowances.
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C1
With all respect, let it be stated that co-habitation and starting a family should occur only by way of marriage. It is the only right way.
Ideally, it should not even occur to a person that it could be any other way.
Practically, let it be stated : therefore there should be no so called ‘live together’ condition.
This is said with all respect and love for persons who happen to engage in this practice.
It is not being implied that they are not being ‘dignified’. Not necessarily. In some cases, they may have –in a way – a ‘proper’ mentality.
They may be thinking that it’s right or alright; -or may be not ‘thinking about it’ much at all, from that perspective.
May be they are just following in the footsteps of a common practice in certain parts of the world at present. – Or in some cases choosing convenience (divorce proceedings can be costly in terms of personal resources. So simply walking out when it’s no longer sustainable may seem a very ‘practical’ idea. We may even tell ourselves : that way, it spares a lot of messy-ness for the poor incompatible spouses).
One has all respect and love for them.
Still, it is a mistaken mentality. A big and serious one.
It happens because of the want of a certain ‘awareness’ or ‘right mentality’ in such persons.
___
–Though a proper and good family and household may theoretically exist even without a marriage. But it is much less probable (one thinks); and if the two persons involved are right-minded in this regard, have true love between them and care, then they would simply first get married.
If true love is there in a given case, then – rightly or naively – it would not occur to the two persons that a risk may exist of problems in the future, and even if they were externally made aware, they would not take that possibility seriously; or they would hold their relationship to be much more important than that risk.
Any ‘aware’ person would think that if true love or ‘a good feeling’ exists in a given situation, then the persons would naturally wish to enter into an ‘institution’ (not in a formal sense or ‘social norm or -approval’ sense), or if one is making sense, a sanctification or ‘edification’. They would naturally wish for the involvement and agreement of their family. Tell their families and some members of their social circle/s. They would be happy to and desirous of.
Even if marriage is ‘just’ a ‘word’, or an institution, and they ‘come after’ the good feeling that exists between two people, .. one should still get married. It has a goodness and a significance, and the man and/or woman should try to understand those.
___
Having said that, it is also true that having children outside of marriage (but in a stable relationship) is far better, incomparably better, than not having children at all.
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C2
As stated in Paper 4 – ‘Person, Nature’, The mind of a person should be innocent, pure. All the person’s thoughts should be such. Always in life.
One of the derivatives of the above idea, is the following –
It should be unthinkable for a person to engage in certain activities or physical acts, which in common language are called, kissing (i.e. the labial (involving lips) kind), other forms of ‘conjugal activities’ or ‘amorous’ physical interactions or ‘intercourse’. –also called ‘sexual acts’.
Basically, one should not think about them. –At all in life.
The very thought or, wish/desire for such physical ‘interactions’ should not be there.
And ideally one should not engage in such physical interactions.
It is incompatible with an ideal or pure living.
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C3
This, everyone should understand in their minds, even before reading this line.. activities or gestures like the occasional holding of hands, resting of one’s head over another person’s shoulder, a hug, are parts of normal human interaction, especially among those with a close relationship, so these good things cannot be grouped with those mentioned above. Between husband and wife, these may occur in an affectionate, sympathetic or supporting way. -But not in a sensuous, ‘instinctual’ or amorous way.
They are dependent upon the situation and mood. -and not ‘for the sake of it’.
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C4
‘Sexual’ or ‘sensuous’ interactions have nothing to do with feelings or good thoughts or love. Or romance.
It is different.
Actually, it clashes or is a mismatch with love. [But perhaps in some cases, they co-exist because of practical necessity or an erroneous mentality].
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C5
Ideally, procreation should occur through introduction of one gamete to another, artificially. i.e. an ‘Intra-Uterine Procedure’. i.e. for practical clarification artificial introduction of male reproductive substance into the female reproductive tract, after which the natural fusion of gametes would proceed, and formation and development of the embryo/s would occur.
This is similar to IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) synchronized with natural ovulation.
This method of procreation is the only one (possible in the present state of technology) that is compatible with an ideal way of life. (Though a pure mentality can be maintained even with ‘organic procreation’ (i.e. which is most common at present); but if someone has the right mentality, a pure mentality in this respect, then that person would naturally desire and seek ways to avoid it).
[In vitro fertilization is another option that is compatible the same way, but involves much more costs, time and efforts and considerable physical discomfort].
What is called the Intra Uterine Procedure (IUP) in this Paper, can be carried out in a clinical setup-as a simple procedure with little or no discomfort. It can probably be carried out also at home, with purpose-made, relatively simple devices.
If due to some practical constraints (which would be rare) a couple is not being able to maintain this right principle, then ‘intercourse’ should be engaged in only to the extent it is necessary for procreation. And never otherwise.
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D1
A girl/lady should strive for the best education that she can get. –including professional qualifications, and preferably, some experience. Naturally, after getting married, too, she must engage in some technical, knowledge-oriented and/or intellectual activities. This is a goal in itself.
We want mothers, sisters, daughters and (lady) friends who are professionally accomplished, well-read, cultured. (This is said with respect and humility; no condescension). Same for gentlemen of course. It is possible and not infrequently seen in this age, that a lady does have – to a reasonable degree – the above qualities; at the same time she cares for the family and the household. i.e. in action too. She is actually homely. (Dear reader, I am not saying this ‘for the effect’; I have seen some such persons closely. And it is not like it ‘drains them out’ either. The husband and children must co-operate appropriately).
Exactly the same is applicable for men. No matter how professionally successful they may become and large an income they may have, they essentially have to think of and take care of the family, children and the home.
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D2
There must be a Standard or Code of what constitutes the duties of a gentleman in marriage. And that of a lady. -Including she who is a householder (and does not hold a ‘job’), toward her family and the household. -And what all things are not, and therefore the husband may not pressurize her regarding those. It should be objective, sufficiently detailed and well-defined. Perhaps in future such an attempt would be made in the Addendum file.
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D3
The household work should be shared in proportion to their respective professional workloads.
[As a practical point, a married lady with a full-time job must not be expected to make tea or tidy up the rooms-alone /always, once she returns from work. The husband should also contribute].
As a practical necessity, such things should be discussed, cleared up before marriage.
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D4
Again as a practical point : it should be unthinkable for a husband to behave in a condescending or disrespectful way to his wife –explicitly or implicitly- because she does not have an income. Her dignity should be completely respected. That is the honourable way of acting.
It is more important and respectable to be a good family member and homemaker than to have a large income.
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D5
Under normal conditions (also), a wife must contribute to family and household expenses, proportionate to her income (if she has one), and proportionate to the share of her income in the total household income.
–Or a little less, because of certain conditions or requirements specific to women.
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D6
Both the man and the woman are equally responsible – in principle – for the care of the children (the right upbringing is a form of care) and for the household and family commitments, social obligations and duties. Sometimes, ‘-in their own ways’.